Pivot
by T'Pring
Summary: In the aftermath of a mission gone horribly wrong, Teyla discovers that all is not as it seems, leaving her to wrestle with what is real and what is not as Atlantis grieves for one of its own. Please read warnings.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note + **Warnings**: **Please read** - This story contains major character death. Gory? No. Angsty? Very. Lugubrious? Hopefully not, but probably. Self-indulgent? Definitely.  
><em>

_Though not is all as it seems (not saying any more, nyah) I fully admit that this brief exploration into something darker and angsty comes as a surprise even to me. It was a story bunny that would not let go. If you don't like character death...don't read it and then complain ;-) The dead stay dead, even in the Pegasus Galaxy.  
><em>

_Similarly, it is very Sheyla. Again, very much a surprise to me, but it __perfectly __fit the rest of the story that was happening. _

_You have been warned. If you have read this and plan to keep reading, then please enjoy with all my love!_

Pivot by T'pring

Teyla stared into the flickering event horizon but saw nothing. The tingle of energy against her skin drew goose bumps and called her forward, but she couldn't move. Her body felt heavy. Her heart raced with dread. If she could only stand here forever and stare at the blue sparks, she wouldn't have to face the other side.

"Teyla?" She ignored the gentle nudge in Ronon's voice. "Waiting won't make it easier."

"Ronon's right. We should just get it over with."

She wanted to scream at the truth in the words. She wanted to throw it far from her and believe what she wanted. Instead, the kindness and shared grief in the voices of her friends brought the thing she was so desperately trying to deny dangerously close to the surface. Ronon _was _right. And so was Rodney. She just didn't know if she had the strength…

"He needs to go home." Ronon's plea was the soft desperation of one who didn't have anything but duty to fall upon. And it was duty that finally, painfully, plucked at her own courage.

"Yes," she said, able to say no more, her voice cracking over even the single word. Her feet felt like they were rooted into the ground so she jerked a little with surprise when the wormhole surrounded her and she felt the cool tingle of transport.

When her foot landed, she was in the gateroom of Atlantis. The windows were bright with warm sunlight only just striking the topmost westerly panes of stained glass. It was early afternoon. A buzz of voices filled the room – the calm, normal chatter of people happily at work. She took three more deliberate steps, then turned to wait. She caught movement from the window in Mr. Woolsey's office. He was watching the team return, his hands clasped easily behind his back, his posture idle.

Ronon and Rodney emerged from the stargate with their burden between them. Each had one end of two long branches in each hand. John lay sprawled across them, limp legs dangling from the knees over the makeshift stretcher.

The reaction in the room was instant. The happy chatter went silent for a moment, then began to buzz with alarm. Passers-through stopped to stare.

"Medical team to the gateroom!" Woolsey bellowed, running over the walkway into the control room and the stairs beyond.

Ronon and Rodney ignored the sudden bustle of concern and lowered John gently to the gateroom floor. With a tenderness that crushed the breath out of Teyla's lungs, Ronon carefully placed one of John's hands across his chest, the other he propped on John's holster, as if ready to draw. It was a Satedan commando tradition, Teyla knew from a fireside conversation many moons ago. John had made a joke about shooting ghosts in the afterlife, but his expression had been approving.

"You're home, buddy," Ronon said softly, ruffling John's hair. And then he rose, turned his back on the room and stood staring at the windows behind the stargate as Teyla had stared at the event horizon.

Mr. Woolsey finally reached the bottom of the stairs, puffing slightly and looking confused. Teyla watched him gape at John on the floor, saw him try to catch Rodney's attention who'd begun to pace by John's feet. At last he noticed her watching him and rushed closer.

"What happened? What is the nature of the Colonel's injury?"

She tried to answer, tried to tell him how long they'd sustained resuscitation, how Rodney had even fashioned a defibrillator out of spare parts from the outpost, but there was too much to say and none of it was enough. Nothing they'd done had been enough. She held Woolsey's gaze long enough for him to see her grief, then looked away. He gasped, wrung his hands and stared at John in horror. The security officers were wearing similar expressions.

The gateroom fell silent as understanding spread. She didn't see who started it, but one by one, the technicians in the control room stood, moved to the rail overlooking the arrival platform, and spread their feet to stand at attention. Stunned passers-through quietly lined the room, equally attentive. The SO's moved to honor guard position and stiffened with respect.

They'd left John's vest at the outpost, Teyla thought as she filled her gaze with him, embracing idle details over the truth of the whole. Ronon had buttoned his shirt back up.

When the medical team, led by Jennifer Keller herself, rushed out of the hallway, the gateroom was absolutely silent. Not a whisper of motion came from any person, military or civilian, save the startled medical team. Jennifer looked around in sudden anger and flung herself at John, barking orders.

Teyla waited, her throat constricted, her eyes stinging.

Jennifer's exam was more thorough than it needed to be. Teyla could see the doctor's face twist into grief as she ordered yet another scan, another manual check, more confirmation. In the end, each member of her team shook their head sadly at her final query and Teyla could see the doctor stiffen, bracing herself.

The tears on Teyla's lashes overflowed and she felt a single hot streak trace her cheek.

Jennifer stood, walked to stand before Mr. Woolsey, her expression a mask of plastered on professionalism that even Teyla could see was close to failing. She kept flicking uneasy glances at Teyla.

"I'm…very sorry. There's nothing I can do." was all she managed to say but the words were like a blow to the gut. Teyla gasped and wrapped her arms tightly around herself, feeling chilled. Just behind the stargate, Ronon groaned an anguished curse and fled the room. Rodney slumped, shuffled to the steps that led off the platform and sat down heavily. He buried his face in his hands. It was then that Teyla realized, despite all evidence, against all reason, they had all_ hoped_ Atlantis would perform another miracle and bring John back to them.

Woolsey put his arms awkwardly around her shoulders, but his voice was calming, kind, and professional.

"Doctor, would you please take care of moving Colonel Sheppard. I would like a preliminary report on cause of death," his voice hitched ever so slightly against the word, "within the hour. I need to make an announcement to the city as soon as possible and it would be comforting to have some detail to share."

"Right," Jennifer breathed, faintly. "It would help if I knew where to start." She glanced at Teyla again, this time looking guilty.

"There was an energy surge at the Ancient laboratory we were exploring. It triggered a device. Rodney tried to shut it down. John ordered us to destroy it before it completed its pulse. We did so, but some of the energy must have been released because John…"

Teyla held herself even tighter. "There was an explosion and a bright pulse of light and when I looked up from where we had taken shelter from the blast, John was just lying there."

She begged Jennifer with her expression not to ask any more. She was already haunted by the vision of John lying, sprawled and still, on the rubble of the outpost. He was supposed to have been next to her on the ground. She hadn't noticed that he'd fallen behind.

"I'll scan for radiation and cellular damage first," Jennifer acknowledged softly. She suddenly lurched at Teyla and grabbed her in a shuddering embrace. "I'm so sorry, Teyla. I'm so…sorry," she whispered over and over.

Teyla felt the sting of tears, again, but also a sudden obligation to return the comfort, so desperately was Jennifer offering it.

"We will endure," she said, pulling from the traditions of her people. "We mourn those who are lost and continue to fight so they are honored. John would want us to."

Jennifer pulled away, nodding, but with a strange expression of skepticism. She returned to John and Mr. Woolsey gave Teyla a timid squeeze.

"Can I do anything for you?" he asked, just as kind as before. "Shall I send word to have your son brought to you?"

Teyla could hardly process the thought, it seemed so oddly considerate. Kanaan had taken Torren to celebrate fall festival on Belsa with several other surviving Athosians. Kanaan had been excited to show off his son who was nearing his first birthday and Teyla had sent them happily together. As much as she enjoyed fall festival, it was a man's celebration with contests and feats of manly vanity that she would not miss. Rodney's excitement about the new Ancient outpost had intrigued her.

"I think I will welcome some time alone," she managed.

Woolsey's expression took on the same puzzlement as Jennifer's but he, too, nodded. With a last pat, he stepped back and folded his hands behind his back in passable imitation of the soldiers who still stood at attention.

Jennifer gave a soft command and John was lifted off the sticks and on to a gurney from the infirmary. The medics tugged in unison and the platform rose to waist height. Jennifer shook out a white cloth and carefully draped it over his body. She hesitated, threw another nervous look at Teyla, then gently laid the cloth over John's face.

There was absolute silence in the room. Even the ocean, lapping far below against the city, seemed to hold its restless waves for a heartbeat.

Teyla stood mute with the rest as John was escorted off the platform and into the depths of the city they called home. Ronon was gone. Rodney sat huddled on the steps, his shoulders shuddering with his grief. Teyla stood alone, only her tears revealing the anguish within.

* * *

><p>Teyla sat curled in the chair in Jennifer's office. She had returned to her own rooms for a time after debriefing with Mr. Woolsey, exhausted and in desperate need of release. The tears had come fierce and hot, and she had slept on the sofa for a time, utterly wrung out. But when she woke, the loneliness of her apartment drove her into the halls of Atlantis, seeking the comfort of friendship.<p>

On Athos, grief was always suffered communally. When one was lost, the whole community of family and close friends would sit with each other and tell stories, or work, or prepare the funeral feast. Her people believed in embracing grief – they did not hide from it but wailed and cursed and shook their fists at the heavens loudly...together.

The people of Earth, or those who had come to Atlantis at least, were different. Grief closed them up. Atlantis was quiet when she entered the halls at dusk, brooding. She'd passed several people in her wanderings, colleagues and casual acquaintances. Most wore an expression of stunned disbelief. Many passed by as in a daze, unaware of their surroundings.

Many others spoke to her and shared words of condolences, but there was an air of sympathy - no, of _profound_ sympathy - as they addressed her that became more disturbing the more people she encountered.

It was as if everyone was watching her, expecting her to burst into wailing, or as if she might collapse at any moment. The feeling grew so strong that she grew more and more stubbornly determined to present an air of confidence and calm that was far from her true state. At last, she fled to the infirmary to seek Jennifer's company.

She had become close to the young doctor during the pregnancy and harrowing birth of her son. Jennifer had been patient with her questions and had explained the pregnancy and birth customs of the Earth people with no judgment. Jennifer had laughed along with her at how culture and assumptions played such an invisible part of their lives.

Jennifer was finishing up rounds, so Teyla waited, curled in the chair.

"Hey..."

Jennifer's soft greeting pulled Teyla out of reverie and she stretched as Jennifer unwound the stethoscope from her neck and tossed it aside. She, too, stretched and leaned against the desk.

"How are you doing?" she asked, and Teyla stiffened a little. Jennifer, too, radiated concern that bordered on wariness.

"As well as can be expected. My rooms are too quiet. I couldn't stay there, but I didn't know where to go. Among my people, there is always a mourning place where families and friends gather." Teyla cocked her head as curiosity consumed her. Perhaps if she understood, she wouldn't feel so uneasy. "Do your people share that custom? Do you not seek the comfort of each other when a loved one is lost?"

Jennifer looked somber and took the time to sit behind her desk before she answered. "Where I grew up, families were small, and the culture was reserved. The church ladies looked after people when a loved one died, made sure they had food when the families didn't want to cook, stuff like that. When my mom died, we had so many casseroles in the freezer, I didn't have to learn to cook for months."

"But don't you do more than offer food?"

Jennifer shrugged. "People didn't talk about death very much. At least around children. I don't know what my father said when he was at his poker game. I was taught that you were supposed to be strong, not show too much emotion. When my mom died, my dad sent me to school the next day. It was horrible. People didn't know what to say and neither did I. My teachers were great, though. I'll never forget Mr. Topilow, especially. He was this nerdy, greasy-haired reject from the sixties who taught social studies. But he looked at me when I walked into the classroom and said 'What are YOU doing here? Aren't you supposed to be crying somewhere? You mother died for goodness sake. Everybody's supposed to cry after that!"

Teyla was shocked by the story. Jennifer was looking wistful, though, so Teyla held her tongue. Eventually Jennifer went on, fiddling with her hands.

"Mr. Topilow was blunt and tactless, but he gave me permission to cry. Permission to grieve. I walked out the door and went to the counselor's office and asked to go home.

My family didn't handle death very well. I've learned better, since."

Jennifer looked up from staring at her hands, fixed Teyla with a calculating look. "Sometimes, people can't face the death of someone they love because it hurts too much. But it only hurts worse and longer, the more you put it off. I've treated many people for problems that the stress of avoiding grief has caused."

"I see this among my people, sometimes," Teyla sighed, still uncomfortable, but understanding a little more. "That is why we gather, though. To face the pain together."

"Then why aren't you with your people, Teyla?" Jennifer asked pointedly. "Why haven't you asked for your son and family to be with you? Why are you bearing this, of all things, alone?"

Teyla held her breath, feeling betrayed by the question. Did Jennifer hope Teyla would simply disappear among the Athosians until her grief was purged? Was that why everyone kept watching her? Did they fear she would do something inappropriate or uncomfortable, even though Jennifer said her way was better? Why had she never felt this way on Atlantis before? The answer brought a fresh surge of sorrow: Before, John had always been there.

When Kate had been killed by the crystal creature that invaded dreams, she'd sought out John in her despair. He'd held her and she'd wept for her loss, safe in his awkward embrace. When Carson had died, he'd helped her to the ceremony despite his reservations. And later, she in turn had consoled him in the way he needed. John had been of these people, unwilling or unable to express deep emotion, especially sorrow or fear. But he had always received her sorrow without hesitation. Was she denying herself the comfort of her family because it reminded her of the comfort she'd lost?

She admitted this could be true. And she could just almost admit that she had not asked for Kanaan to return because she would not feel as free to grieve for another man in his presence. Her feelings for John were...complicated.

"I thought I _was_ among my people," she managed, finding the truth that she hoped would begin to explain herself to these people who seemed determined to misunderstand her. "I want to be with John's people. With those who knew and loved him best. Is that so strange?"

The answer seemed to satisfy Jennifer at least. The doctor's expression finally lost the wariness and her posture slumped, revealing exhaustion.

"I couldn't do the autopsy," Jennifer broke the silence at last and Teyla was shocked when Jennifer buried her face in her hands. "I told myself that Colonel Sheppard was just another member of the expedition. That I was helping my friends by learning more about how he died so that others wouldn't..."

Tears crawled down Teyla's cheeks again. Jennifer suddenly cursed, and angrily wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand.

"I'm sorry. Forgive me. John was a friend. A friend of a friend. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I promised myself I'd be there for _you_, not the other way around."

"There is no title on grief," Teyla answered, rising and reaching for Jennifer. "Please, do me the honor of sharing it with me." She heard her voice go soft and broken with her plea.

Jennifer accepted her embrace and together the two women wept, without regret, the tears of a sorrow shared.

Later that night, they stood together on the balcony of Jennifer's apartment looking out over the East Pier. A bright and very large bonfire was burning on the large plaza that often housed the Daedalus when it settled in the city. Many figures were standing around the fire, silhouetted against the warm yellow light under a perfect clear sky. The scent of smoke and the sound of crackling wood and many voices drifted through the city.

Most of the figures were grouped in quiet twos and threes. Some huddled alone until, inevitably, a friend would join them. A few were moving through the crowd in boisterous, if respectful, animation. It was beautiful, like a shadow dance – images against a screen.

"Lorne gave the entire base the night off," Jennifer said at her shoulder. "Everyone not on priority detail got a pass to attend the bonfire. I even heard some of the guys arranging turns so that those who were stuck on duty could go for part of the time."

Teyla nodded in silent approval. A new shadow joined the celebration, this one taller than most and crowned with a halo of swinging locks. Teyla smiled when Ronon grabbed for one of the quiet groups of shadows and pulled them into a ferocious embrace before fiercely shaking hands. Heads bowed in quiet words of comfort. Backs were slapped in masculine expressions of feeling.

The soldiers of Atlantis were cursing an untimely death, and celebrating a life. And they were doing it together. Teyla knew the days ahead would be miserable. She felt the burden of them like a stone around her neck. But in that quiet moment, with a friend at her side and Atlantis expressing its love for John, she could almost forget the pain she faced and live entirely within that single moment.

She was drawn out of the perfect silence by pounding on Jennifer's door. Several impatient buzzes of the chime followed. Jennifer looked alarmed and rushed to open it. Teyla turned, too, curious to know who it was that knocked so urgently.

The door had hardly slid halfway open before Rodney shoved into the room, shoulder first. He looked wildly unkempt, his clothing rumpled and his knees still stained with the chalk from the decaying outpost's stone courtyard. He waved a tablet in Jennifer's face.

"You have to examine Sheppard. Come with me!"

"Rodney?" Jennifer exclaimed, grabbing for his jacket when he seemed intent upon simply turning around and walking back out the door.

Teyla joined them, concerned for her friend who seemed so agitated. She'd sought him out earlier and found him in his lab, fiercely ignoring any intruders. She'd let him be, planning to check on him again in the morning.

"Rodeny, stop. What's going on?" Jennifer finished. Rodney chuffed an exaggerated sigh of annoyance.

"Was I not very clear? Did I not just say, 'Come with me'?"

"You were very clear about that, Rodney. Why do we need to follow you?" Teyla tried when Jennifer bristled. He looked almost startled to see her, then nodded to himself.

"Teyla, well, I don't need _you_, technically, although I suppose you might be interested. I do need Jennifer to help me examine Sheppard for harmonic resonance, and possibly DNA coding differences, assuming you have detailed records of Sheppard's DNA, which I'm sure you do after the whole 'turning into a bug' incident. If we're really lucky, we might just find traces of -."

"Stop!" Jennifer commanded and Rodney snapped his mouth shut, looking surprised. "I'm not examining Colonel Sheppard for anything without a reason. Dr. Morton completed the autopsy hours ago. John died of massive cellular demise. Brain, internal organs, even bone marrow was simply _shut off_ by the radiation or energy pulse or whatever it was that hit you on that planet. There's no uncertainty here. In fact, I don't understand how the _rest_ of you survived in the presence of something that could do what it did to John, at any proximity."

Teyla felt a chill at the description. She hadn't asked. She hadn't really needed to know.

"That's the thing," Rodney suddenly slumped and he went from manic bossiness to quiet plea, "I just finished analyzing the data from the Ancient Outpost. I didn't see it sooner because the energy readings are...incorrect, or incomplete, but it could still have the same effect."

"Rodney!" Jennifer yelled.

"The white flash we saw was what made me look harder. Jennifer, the energy pulse that the device released – it was similar to what we saw on the Lost Daedalus, the one that moved between parallel universes."

Teyla lunged forward, grabbed Rodney by the shoulders. Her heart was thrashing in her chest and she forced herself not to assume, not to hope. Rodney just looked pitiful.

"I want to examine Sheppard because... I think he might not be _our _Sheppard. I think he may have come from another universe, transferred here in the uncontrolled pulse from that damaged device at the outpost." Rodney turned to Jennifer. "Please, Jennifer. Will you help me examine the...body for evidence? Because if I'm right -."

"_Our_ John might still be alive," Teyla finished.

"Trapped in another universe. Swapped, maybe. Jennifer?" Rodney repeated and this time Teyla added her gaze to the plea. Jennifer looked skeptical, worried, and scared all at the same time, but finally she nodded.

"I'll help," she said, but then her expression settled on stern, "but you both have to promise that you'll accept my evidence if things don't go as you hope. And you can't say anything to anyone else. Not until we're certain."

"Of course!" Teyla agreed, eager to get moving. The bonfire and despair was too easily forgotten. Atlantis had come through with a miracle after all! She could feel it. Rodney was so seldom wrong.

"Let's go," she exclaimed, shoving Rodney out the door. Rodney also grinned, but Jennifer's frown deepened. Teyla looked away. She wouldn't let the woman's skepticism interfere with hope. She couldn't. Because giving in to doubt would be to admit that John was really gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Teyla fell asleep on one of the infirmary beds that was tucked away in a gloomy corner. She had not been able to face seeing John again and even Rodney had let Jennifer take the samples they needed from the morgue by herself. She had dozed for a while in a chair next to the workstation where Jennifer and Rodney studied the samples, then lay down when exhaustion caught up with her. She wanted to stay close. Sleep came easily. She already felt as if John were merely away for a few days rather than lost to her forever.

She didn't know how long she'd been asleep when the loud voices of an argument disturbed her. She was very groggy and disoriented when she first opened exhaustion-bleary eyes. It wasn't until she'd swung her legs over the side of the bed and rubbed the flakes of dried tears from her eyelashes that she realized the commotion was coming from the workstation that Rodney and Jennifer had been sitting at.

She slipped off the bed and padded on bare feet to the desk. Radek had joined them at some point and it seemed to be Radek that Rodney was arguing with. The two men were standing, faces thrust together as if they'd just risen from the two chairs behind the desk. Jennifer hovered behind them, looking pale and exhausted and almost scared.

"You're not thinking clearly, Rodney," Radek was yelling, his tone oddly sympathetic at the volume he was using.

"Do NOT tell ME that I'm the one not thinking clearly. You are completely ignoring the facts that are as obvious as the nose on my face. There is a clear relationship between the signature of the pulse we recorded at the Ancient Outpost and that of the Lost Daedalus. If you would just -."

"I DO NOT dispute that the energy signature is related to the quantum pulse generated by the experimental drive you discovered on the parallel Daedalus." Radek outshouted, "I am just saying that there is no evidence that the pulse was successful in initiating a transferrence."

Rodney pursed his lips so tightly together in fury that Jennifer stepped forward and grabbed for his arm as if she were afraid he was going to throw a punch.

"Radek's right. We found no trace of a residual energy signature in John's tissues. We compared his DNA to the samples collected four years ago and they are a complete and perfect match."

Teyla felt her heart begin to pound. She felt herself shut down understanding. She didn't want to understand.

"But if we just take a closer look at - ."

"Rodney, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I really am. But please, you promised to accept the evidence."

Rodney glared until Radek also reached out to touch Rodney's arm, his expression suddenly gentle, "I grieve with you, my friend. I have much respect for Colonel Sheppard. Is a loss we will regret deeply for many years to come."

Rodney took a deep shuddering gasp and closed his eyes tightly, as if shutting himself away from Radek and the argument and the world altogether. Jennifer wrapped her arms around him and pulled his face into her shoulder. He resisted stiffly for a few moments, then collapsed against her, shuddering with deep sobs.

"He's my friend," Rodney whispered against her neck in a tortured gasp.

Teyla watched as a statue, her mind blank.

Radek stepped away with a last slap on Rodney's back and left him to Jennifer's care. He flicked a glance at Teyla, sidled hesitantly closer, offering encouragement with his expression.

"You found... What did you find?" she asked at last, dreading the answer.

"We found nothing," Radek sighed. "The Colonel Sheppard you brought home belongs in this universe."

"It's our John?" she whispered. "Our John is dead?"

"Yes."

The simplicity of the answer was overwhelming. It felt like losing him again, or like daring to hope had doubled the despair. She fled the infirmary and ran through the deeply quiet halls of Atlantis. When she reached her room, she flung herself on her couch and screamed with the agony of her grief.

* * *

><p>Ronon slipped quietly into her room sometime after the screaming stopped and she was so exhausted she couldn't lift her shoulders from the pillows. She shivered, chilled by shock and the cool early-morning air that drifted through one of the windows of her apartment.<p>

Ronon watched her for a moment, disappeared into her sleeping room and returned with a blanket that he draped gently over her. She smelled the strong scent of smoke and alcohol when he was close and the memory of the shadow-dance bonfire soothed her.

"Thank you," she whispered distantly.

"Welcome," Ronon slurred, swaying a little before he sat cross-legged on the floor in front where she was laying. "Radek found me. Said he was worried. That you shouldn't be alone."

Fresh tears crawled down her cheeks. She had no energy to wipe them away.

"I'm alone," she whispered, feeling the pain press against her chest. "He left me alone."

"No." Ronon's contradiction was firm. "No. I'm here. Rodney's here. Well, Jennifer is looking after him, but he's _here_." Ronon thumped his chest. "Radek sent word to Belsa. Kanaan and Torren will be here in a few hours."

Teyla closed her eyes, but the tears continued.

"John's gone, Ronon. He's not coming back."

Teyla had a sudden, vivid memory of John standing on the balcony in the infirmary two days after Carson had died. She'd found him shaking and clutching the rail. He'd promised to escort her to her room after being released that day and she had gone looking for him when he was late.

He'd squirmed with embarrassment when she caught him, not realizing his distress until she'd already interrupted. Finally, for the first time since she'd known him, he'd looked her in the eye and let his face show his true feelings.

"I guess...When I walked in here today, I guess it finally hit me that Carson's not coming back," he'd managed to say, struggling to keep his voice level. Teyla had been shocked to see fury rather than sorrow in his eyes.

"I hate that he died so stupidly," he'd admitted at last when Teyla moved to stand beside him, indicating that she wasn't going to leave.

"He saved that man's life!"

"And one of _my_ men died, instead. Carson tried to play the hero and kept the people who could actually stop the explosion too far away. In my book, it's stupid to trade two lives for one."

Teyla had gasped at the venom in John's voice. John had looked away, his face hard, his eyes as steel grey as the choppy sea he gazed upon. "Don't get me wrong, I admire what he was _trying_ to do. And I hate myself for missing Carson more than that man who was just doing the job I ordered him to do."

It was in that moment that Teyla had come closer to confessing love for John Sheppard than she had ever come before. John saw the complexity of life. He was a deeply empathetic man and there was something powerfully compelling about one who lived so truthfully, who accepted the pain of that truth.

But she hadn't said anything. It wasn't the Athosian way. She'd stayed with him until he was ready to leave the comfort of the balcony. A few weeks later, she had suddenly noticed that Kanaan was making it a point to spend a lot of time with her on her visits to New Athos.

Ronon coughed, returning Teyla to the bitter present. His voice was rough when he answered.

"I know he's not coming back," he said. "And I hate it."

* * *

><p><em>"I can't stop it. It's building up a charge and when it reaches maximum capacity, this," Rodney pointed to another device, more bizarre than even the usual Ancient tech, "is going to go off."<em>

_"Go off?" John growled in response. "Do we know what 'going off' means in this scenario?"_

_"Not a clue. But I really don't like these readings," he pointed to a third panel. John hovered over Rodney's shoulder and though he would never admit it, Teyla got the distinct impression that John understood much more than Rodney suspected. _

_"Those readings are bad," John summarized._

_"Bad enough for me really not to want to be around when it...goes off."_

_"Again with the going off..." John groused, then fell silent._

_Teyla, Ronon, and Rodney all watched John as he thought it through. They had been a team so long, their roles were well understood, their decision making process well rehearsed. _

_"Ok," John said at last. "If you can't stop it, and we can't be around when it goes off, and we can't get far enough away in the time we have," he paused for confirmation from Rodney, who nodded, "then we blow it up."_

_"But!" Rodney snapped his mouth shut at John's fierce glare._

_"I'll blast it," Ronon offered, fingering the power level on his weapon even as he spoke._

_"No, no, no. Bad readings are bad. If we have to blow it, we need to be as far away as we can get from the blast, too."_

_"C4 and timers," John decided and he began to dig in his pocket. Rodney followed suit. "Teyla, go ahead and get outside the outpost. If we get caught in the blast, make it to the stargate and dial in for help to dig us out."_

_This time it was Teyla's turn to open her mouth in protest. "No argument!" John snapped before she found words of her own. He moved closer, bent his head so that only she could hear, "TJ needs one of us to come home," he said, then turned his back and shut her out of his work._

Teyla woke with a cry, the memory of an explosion ringing in her ears. Her heart pounded so hard against her chest that she _heard_ the rhythm in her ears. Her body was flushed with adrenaline and covered in sweat.

"Y'oK?" Ronon grumbled, struggling from his awkward sprawl on her sitting room floor.

She couldn't answer for several moments, but finally waved away Ronon's concern with a shaky hand. She walked to the kitchen and splashed her face with water from the sink. She was much more alert and calm when she rejoined Ronon who'd pulled himself onto the couch looking rumpled and grumpy from his nap on the floor.

"Bad dream?" he asked.

"Yes. I...dreamt about the outpost and John's decision to blow up the control room. Except it was different. Everything was the same until he started setting C4 charges. Exactly the same, but then..." her voice trailed off, grasping at the rapidly fading dream images.

"What was different?"

"John ordered me to evacuate. He made me leave you three behind to seek shelter on my own."

"Did you do it?" Teyla threw him an annoyed look, but he wasn't teasing her. He seemed to want to know.

"I did. In the dream, I mean."

"Huh. That's weird. What does it mean?"

"How am I supposed to know?" She heard her voice go cross. Ronon just lounged back, threaded his hands together behind his head, elbows askew.

"I think you're feeling alone, like you said last night. And I think the outpost and what happened is on your mind. You combined the two in the dream. The blast at the outpost made you feel alone."

"That seems very rational for an irrational dream," Teyla sighed, though she agreed the vision made a strange kind of sense.

"I dreamed we were at the outpost and that I shot Sheppard myself."

"What!"

"It means I'm mad at him for dying. In the dream I had control of his life and could take it on my terms." At her shocked expression he just shrugged. "Melena was always going on about dreams. She taught me how to interpret them. She said I had 'issues'." He stretched, flexing long, bulging arms behind his head before he grabbed for her hand and pulled her off the couch.

"Let's go get something to eat before we meet Torren in the gateroom. I'm starving." He rubbed furiously at his temples. "And hungover."

Teyla accepted his offer and followed her friend to the cafeteria. The sharp pain of last night's suffering was receding into the dull numbness of endurance. Atlantis itself seemed numb. There were few about, though it was later in the morning than she'd suspected. Several of the soldiers she saw moving about also looked uncomfortable and hungover.

Ronon stuck with her through the meal and tugged her along with him to greet Kanaan when he returned with Torren from Belsa. She decided was ready to see her son, to lose herself in caring for him. She even selfishly looked forward to some extra attention from Kanaan who spoiled her to a fault. A smile found her lips when the stargate sang its welcoming song.

To her surprise, two adult figures emerged from the stargate. Kanaan held a squirmy Torren against his chest. The little boy, not quite toddling, was burying his face in Kanaan's chest, pretending to be shy. At Kanaan's side walked Alyssia, a friend of theirs from childhood and a distant cousin of Teyla's if they were to believe the stories, but she couldn't figure out why Alyssia would come.

Alyssia reached for her first, grabbed her hands and put her cheek to Teyla's.

"Oh, Teyla, we were so saddened to receive the news. John has been such a good friend to all of us and you... Well, I can't imagine what you must be feeling."

"I am...very sad," Teyla admitted truthfully if stiffly. The hair on her neck began to prickle. Something felt off. Not right. Kanaan was bouncing Torren, tickling his sides and trying to get him to turn around, but the baby was giggling against he chest, enjoying the game. Was it Kanaan who surprised her? He seemed content, but distant, and he did not reach for her as he usually did when they had been separated.

"We have called for an Athosian day of mourning. Those of us who are left, anyway. We hope John's traditions will allow you to join us."

"I will be there," Teyla answered, growing even more uneasy. She wanted to hold her son, she realized and excused herself from Alyssia with a nod to reach for him.

"He was such a good baby," Alyssia gushed warmly, "I'm so glad you let us borrow him for the festival."

Teyla was too desperate to hold Torren to think more than a puzzled _borrow? _before Kanaan lifted the baby high, to squeals of delight, and tossed him around to present him to her with a flourish. The baby's eyes opened wide and he reached for her with another squeal, this time of recognition.

Teyla froze. Her head pounded, and the unease that had been tickling her spine exploded into full panic. She threw herself backwards so fast that she stumbled into Ronon.

"Teyla?" he rumbled, steadying her.

"That's not my son," she gasped. "Where is Torren? Where is my son!" Her voice grew sharp.

Kanaan and Alyssia were frowning deeply. The baby squawked a word of disapproval, still reaching for her.

"Teyla, this is TJ," Kanaan spoke at last. "You brought him to Belsa three days ago and dropped him off. Alyssia and I took him to the festival." Alyssia stepped closer to Kanaan and leaned against him, smiling encouragingly.

Nothing made sense. Nothing.

"That's not my son," Teyla rasped. "Where is my son?"

There was nothing but utter bewilderment on Kanaan's face. "Tell me where he is!" Teyla shouted. Only Ronon's hands on her shoulders kept her from approaching the people who were lying to her. Again, the gateroom was hushed in awe of the drama on the platform. Again, Mr. Woolsey jogged down the stairs.

"What is the shouting about?" he asked, as if merely upset by the noise.

"They won't tell me where Torren is. This," she spat the word and pointed at the baby who was growing ever more frantic to reach her and adding his own cries to the chaos, "is not Torren. I want to know where my son is and why you have tried to fool me!"

Woolsey simply looked as shocked as Kanaan.

"I may not be the best judge of babies, but as TJ here is the only one on Atlantis, I feel I recognize him well enough. He looks the same to me."

"His name is Torren and that is NOT Torren. Kanaan can't you see?" Teyla was frantic with confusion. She felt tears of fury wet her lashes. "Don't you see that's not your son?"

Kanaan went pale with shock.

"Your son?" Alyssia gasped, stepping away from Kanaan, accusation plastered over her face.

"Teyla. Let's go," Ronon said suddenly. He began to pull her away from the platform with urgent tugs. She fought him.

"Let me go," she spat. "I need to find my son!"

"Something's not right," Ronon hissed in her ear, still tugging. "We need to leave. Now."

She ceased her struggle to escape Ronon's grip, but she kept her glare on Kanaan who had his hands full with an equally upset baby. The baby that was NOT Torren. Woolsey started to follow them, but Ronon shook his head widely.

"She's upset. Been a bad day. She's confused. Maybe it's residual radiation things, or something. I'll, uh, I'll take her to Jennifer," he stammered sounding completely nonplussed, but Woolsey just nodded and returned his attention to the very shocked couple on the platform. She heard him muttering platitudes and an offer to stay for the day in the guest quarters until she had "recovered from her shock."

"Ronon," she hissed as they turned a corner and out of sight. Ronon let go of her shoulders, but pulled her along by her hand.

"Just...wait," he said, sounding as confused as she felt.

"You saw it, too?" She wasn't sure which answer would frighten her more. Either he knew that child wasn't her son, which meant Torren was missing, or he, too, believed she was in shock."

"Yes. I saw it. That baby wasn't Torren."

She just nodded, fear gripping her throat. "Ronon, we have to do something," she said at last.

"Wait," he repeated.

"Where are we going?"

"To find McKay."

* * *

><p>In the end, Ronon took her to her own apartment to wait. Rodney was not in the labs or the infirmary, and Ronon felt that both of them asking around would arouse too much suspicion (of what, she didn't know) and asked her to wait for him to bring Rodney to her place.<p>

She paced the edges of her apartment, her mind swirling so fast with confusion that she almost felt dizzy. With a sudden thought, she raced to the chest behind her couch and snatched up a dusty picture frame. The picture had stood on the chest since Torren was born. Jennifer had told her that most American hospitals took a picture of babies on the day they were born and sold them to the parents. She had taken one of Torren, without Teyla's knowing, and given her the picture and the frame as a gift.

Teyla studied the image. The baby in the picture was tiny, so much smaller than the hefty little boy he'd become, but... there was something wrong about the chin, the eyes were too close together, there was a dark shock of hair that stuck out from the top of the baby in the photo's head. Torren had soft, downy hair that grew in thick and curly.

She slammed the picture down, the sense of disorientation nearly overwhelming her. She stumbled to her sleeping room and sat on the bed, feeling like she might pass out. She put her elbows on her knees and hung her head low, taking deep breaths. The dizziness passed, but she began to see other things, now, that, like the picture that stood in exactly the same place it always stood, were nonetheless...wrong.

Torren's crib was nestled in the corner, where it had been since he grew too big for the cradle. The crib had been a gift from Colonel Carter who, not having children of her own, she said, enjoyed spoiling the children of friends. The mobile that hung over the crib dangled fanciful insects. It had been a gift from Katie Brown before she left, who'd laughingly told her to teach her son the benefit of the creatures to plants.

However, one of the bugs had been replaced by a soft, toy airplane. Teyla stood, and pushed the mobile to watch it spin. The airplane soared and danced with the insects as if it had always hung there and yet, she had no memory of ever replacing the dragonfly with a fighter jet.

Ferociously curious, she swept her gaze around the rest of the room. She searched the bathroom. Finding everything in order as she remembered, she pulled open the drawers and _there_ she saw toiletries that she didn't recognize. Men's shaving cream that Kanaan didn't use. Cologne she didn't recognize the name of.

She slammed the drawer shut, fled into the bedroom again. She saw a thick book on Kanaan's bedside table and rushed over to pick it up, looking for clues, desperate to understand what was happening to her. Her fingers brushed the title and she gasped.

With trembling hands she opened the hardbound cover and turned a few pages. From the back of the book, something slipped out and fluttered to the ground. A picture that had been used as a bookmark. Teyla set aside the book and picked up the picture.

She was on the bed, staring at the photo when Ronon and Rodney burst into the room, calling loudly for her. She looked up and saw relief on Ronon's face.

"There you are. We knocked, and called from the sitting room. Why didn't you answer?"

She felt her mouth open, but nothing came out. Ronon's annoyance melted swiftly into apology.

"I'm sorry. We were just worried. I found McKay. He thinks he knows what's going on."

Rodney nodded. His eyes were red-rimmed and he was pale and unshaven.

"I had the idea before Ronon came looking for me, but Jennifer's convinced I'm still in the denial stage of grief and threatened to have me locked in my room under guard if I went anywhere near a lab today. So I told her I was going to take a nap in my room and sneaked off to an abandoned lab out on the East Pier that has power and I ran some simulations."

Teyla just blinked, knowing it was important for Rodney to explain in his own way. Ronon sat down on the bed heavily next to her. Rodney waved a hand.

"The reason we didn't find any evidence that Sheppard doesn't belong in this universe is because he _does_ belong in this universe." He took a deep breath. "_We_ don't belong in this universe," he finished, looking almost scared.

"We were transported out of our own by the explosion?" She asked to confirm, not to question.

"Upon further study, I think we swapped universes. The four of us from both universes were at the same outpost doing the same thing at the same time. That outpost was studying ways to travel between or through universes like the Lost Daedalus did. Who knows, that could have been how the Rodney McKay that installed it ON the Daedalus got the idea. He just found it sooner than we did."

"Tell me the swapping thing," Ronon said, his voice dangerous.

"Right. So the pulse was supposed to be a directed beam of energy that transports a narrow field into other universes, but it didn't work properly. The pulse that caused the transport also, unfortunately, kills any living thing that it was trying TO transport. That's what killed this universe's Sheppard. He got caught in the beam. The Outpost was abandoned during the war with the Wraith and they never perfected their research."

Teyla was struggling to understand. "But...Why was John killed if he was the only one NOT transported away from his native universe?"

"I...haven't figured that out yet. I need my own lab to run a few more complex scenarios. I also asked one of the lab technicians to take and process tissue samples from me a few hours ago. His results should be uploaded soon. We can test you and Ronon just to make sure, but my preliminary results indicated that we were transported as a group, leaving only John behind, or here, or however you should say that."

"So you think the three of us from here got sent to our universe?" Ronon had also puzzled out most of what Rodney had said.

"I think that very likely."

"Do you think...Sheppard died in our universe, too?" Ronon's question was blunt, and he was shooting nervous looks at her as he spoke. She realized that he was asking so she would not leap to false hope as she had before.

"I don't have any way of knowing that." Rodney's answer was sharp and harsh. He too was struggling to avoid being dragged again into hope.

"Teyla, you don't seem too surprised?" Ronon was watching her closely for a reaction. She took a deep breath.

"No, I'm not surprised. I figured out what must have happened while I was waiting."

"What? How?" Rodney looked indignant. She just went on.

"I also figured out why everyone has been acting so strangely around me since we returned with John, and...why I didn't recognize my own son."

Her voice shook.

"Teyla?" Ronon's rumble was soft concern.

"I knew we must have transported to another universe because in this place..." Teyla clutched the picture she held tightly in shaking fingers. It was a candid, grainy image, like from a PDA or cheap digital camera, printed on stiff, plain paper. In the picture, a bare chested and barefooted John lay on the couch in her sitting room with a tiny, naked Torren sprawled across his chest. Both were sound asleep, John's hand carefully holding the baby secure, even as he slept.

"I knew we were in another place because here, John is the father of my son."


	3. Chapter 3

Teyla grew more agitated as she walked with the men towards Rodney's lab and Ronon's persistent grin did nothing to soothe it. She felt a strange sense of relief now that she understood her unease with this place. But she didn't know what to feel about anything else. There had been too many sorrows and revelations pressed upon her in too little time.

"Can we return to our universe, Rodney? We destroyed the device," she asked, seeking for some certainty among the whirlwind of her thoughts.

Rodney just walked a little faster. "I've been thinking about that. I will need to check out the outpost again. If it worked before, maybe it was because there was enough left undamaged to function in some way. It may be enough to return us as well."

"What if it's not?" Ronon's question was practical if depressing.

"I built it once. I can do it again."

Teyla shook her head in confusion. "When -?"

"In the other universe. The one where I figured out how to install the drive on the Daedalus."

"Right. The alternate McKay who killed everyone in his own universe, killed another Sheppard, McKay, Ronon, and Teyla, and almost killed us."

Rodney glanced back at them, looking nervous. "Right. That McKay. Here we are!"

He darted into his lab, a little too obviously eager to escape further questions. Teyla had just made it over the threshold herself when a sharp voice called to them from just behind.

"There you are!"

Rodney scuttled even deeper into his lab and hunched down behind a laptop screen, already typing. Teyla turned to find the furiously concerned face of Jennifer glaring at them.

"Richard called me, asking about Teyla – something about a breakdown in the gateroom? I just spent half an hour trying to find you and here you are skulking around together and sneaking into Rodney's lab?"

Jennifer's voice was far more concern than anger, and she rushed to give Teyla a relieved embrace. "Are you OK? Teyla, I've been so worried since Woolsey called!"

"I am fine. Jennifer, you must listen. Things are not as they should be. We -."

"Teyla, please. I know things are not as they should be. Things are far, far, _far_ from what they should be. But you can't keep hiding from John's death and from your son. I know how painful this must be for you, but -."

"We are not from your universe. We were transported here from another reality that is…different," Teyla interrupted, hoping to say enough to snap the doctor out of her well-meaning, but misguided concern. "We were wrong about John because he is the only one of the four of us that _wasn't_ switched between realities. In the universe we come from, John is not Torren's father. He and I never... I mean, we didn't..." she blushed deeply, growing even more furious at Ronon's amusement. "We aren't involved," she finished firmly, at last.

Jennifer snapped her mouth shut, glared like she was suddenly afraid. She flicked a severe look at Rodney before she spoke again, as if choosing every word very carefully.

"Teyla, Atlantis is a place of amazing possibilities. You have experienced parallel universe travel, you have seen the dead seemingly come back to life when we found Carson's clone. But as miraculous as this place is, it doesn't work on command. I _know_ it must feel so much better to believe in a place where you and John were never together. I can imagine how that would be a safer place for you to be right now. But you are my friend. You and John were my friends. I have seen the love you have for each other, even if your circumstances keep you more apart than together. I have seen the love you have together for your son. Don't throw that away, Teyla, because if you throw the pain away, you throw away the love, too."

Jennifer's words, so passionately spoken, were tearing at Teyla's soul. She did love John, just not in the way Jennifer described. Or did she? She was so confused and behind everything was the lasting, gaping ache for John in both realities she now straddled, for there was no certainty that they would find him any more alive in their own universe than in this one.

"Stop," Teyla pleaded. "Please...stop."

Jennifer grabbed her hands, threw her next words at Ronon. "I know you know better than to hide from grief! So why are you doing it now? Why are you letting someone you care about do just that?"

Ronon's eyes went wide, all amusement stripped from his face. Jennifer turned last to Rodney. "You're the worst of all, because I almost believe you could escape into another dimension if you put your mind to it. But that won't bring your friend back, Rodney. Not the friend you remember and love."

Rodney flinched, presumably at Jennifer's choice of phrase, but he typed one last spat of something into the laptop he was working at, and scuttled over, turning the screen and shoving it at Jennifer as if trying to show it to her and hide behind it at the same time.

"Rodney! I won't play along," she snapped, swatting away the screen. "Every instinct in my body is screaming at me to stop you from sinking into this fantasy before it's too late."

"Just look!" Rodney insisted, holding the laptop and shoving it at her face. An awkward dance followed. Jennifer let go of Teyla and backed away, Rodney pursued.

"Look at the residual radiation signature I found in my tissue samples. Lumkeul just posted my results." He took another step, shoved the screen even closer. "Look at the discrepancies, tiny, miniscule that they are, in my DNA sequence. I had him compare the records you have on file from the time the Ancient ascension device zapped me to my current sequence."

Jennifer stopped backing away. Rodney reached around, hit a key or two. "This is the research I've been continuing since we escaped the Lost Daedalus. Sheppard won't let me work on the drive theory, but he let me play with the navigation and mapping part because I convinced him it could come in handy some time."

Jennifer finally looked at the screen, though her arms were folded across her chest. Rodney's expression went triumphant.

"The alternate McKay was able to identify universes by the very slight variances in universal constants, which, in turn, create variances in the resonance of the electrochemical field a human body produces. Um, produces when alive. Our signatures are out of sync with this universe. They are very, very similar, which is why our universes are so relatively consistent, but this is indisputable evidence, Jennifer. We're not imagining this to escape Sheppard's death. That may be how it started, but I was right. This is not our universe."

Jennifer pursed her lips, reading the screen as if she didn't want to but was drawn in by compulsion. Teyla watched her closely, almost holding her breath. She realized that though she trusted Rodney, she desperately wanted Jennifer's confirmation. Someone from _this_ reality to confirm it. Jennifer's speech had been so...passionate, she had almost doubted everything she thought she knew.

Jennifer studied the data for a long time. She poked the keyboard and scrolled between pages. Rodney set the laptop down for her, and stepped back, for once showing some patience. At last, her hands dropped in her lap, her shoulders sagged.

"I'll need to see all three of you tested," she said at last, her voice sounding flat, strangled.

"Of course. But I think you'll find the same results."

"I, for one, am very certain I do not belong here," Teyla affirmed quickly, though the words were very close to a lie. It wasn't that she didn't belong here – her other self had just made a different choice than she had. She could easily belong here, she almost admitted. And that was what was so disturbing. Jennifer was quiet for another long moment.

"Where are _our _Teyla, Ronon, and McKay?" she asked next, just as softly.

"Probably in our universe," Rodney answered quickly. "That's why you have to let me finish my simulations and then return to the outpost. I need to get us back home. All of us, in our own homes." He added the last, sounding confused about how to say what he meant. He shrugged.

"Let's start with the tissue samples."

Jennifer stood, looking dazed and moved with mechanical stiffness towards the hallway. Teyla and Ronon looked at each other until the doctor gave them a wry look. "Well I can't do them here," she snapped.

Teyla scurried after her, Ronon at her shoulder.

"I'll stay here and set up the next set of simulations," Rodney called after them.

"Right," Jennifer breathed. She was obviously very thrown by the turn of events. It was an uncomfortable walk to the infirmary, and after she had taken their blood and tissue samples, she stared hard at them for a moment.

"I'm having trouble believing you are not _my_ Teyla and Ronon," she said at last. "You don't seem any different to me at all. Down to the new hairstyle you got last week, Teyla."

"I know how you feel," Teyla agreed, fervently. "Even I did not suspect until only a few minutes ago. There is so much that is identical between our worlds."

"But, you really meant it when you said you and John Sheppard never…"

"No," Teyla answered quickly, rolling her eyes at Ronon's chortle. "We care very much for each other in my universe. But not in that way."

"But you two seem so…passionate. I don't understand how you wouldn't have hooked up in any universe."

Teyla had no answer except to feel her cheeks grow hot. Ronon however nodded. "The hottest fire takes the longest to kindle," he said looking wise. "It can be hard to draw the right spark." Teyla squirmed, but Jennifer just nodded, still looking very much confused. It was a confusion that Teyla shared only too keenly.

"I'll get started on these, then," she said and wandered away.

She and Ronon decided to wait for the results with Rodney, but when they returned to his lab, he was sitting stiffly in front of his screens, looking even paler that before. When their arrival elicited no response, Teyla stepped to his side to peer over his shoulder.

"Have you figured out if we will be able to return?" she prompted.

"What? Oh. That depends on the physical condition of the equipment. I'm now sure I can recreate the conditions that brought us here if it is in working order, though."

"That's wonderful!"

"Maybe," he said, sounding as distant as Jennifer.

"What did you find, McKay?" Ronon demanded, startling Teyla. By Rodney's uncomfortable look, he'd guessed correctly that Rodney was disturbed by something.

"The pulse to return us to our home universe is easier to accomplish than the one to send a person into a foreign universe. The out-of-sync resonance of our biosignatures will actually guide us home quite easily."

"So?" Ronon prompted again.

"So, in the simulations I've run, I have determined that the us's in this universe weren't successful in completely destroying the device that we were so concerned about going off. They missed something, or were a few seconds too late. The pulse swept over the outpost, killing Sheppard. But from what I've been able to figure out, it also tore a hole in the membrane between universes. Since our team was in approximately the same place at approximately the same time, the field from this universe not only shoved their people into ours, but it also sucked us back to here. Kind of like water pulls on you before the next wave comes to shore. Also like water, there are eddies and backwash. Something flowed just right for we three to be sent. John's position left him in this universe."

Something tickled at Teyla's memory. "John was in a different position," she realized suddenly. "I was certain he was right next to me when we dove for cover, and then after the flash, he was behind us."

"That could account for why our John wasn't brought here," Rodney agreed. "Or why theirs wasn't left there."

Teyla silently thanked Rodney for explaining in terms she would understand. But she still didn't understand his discomfort.

"Do you think we also missed something? That we also contributed to the transfer?"

"No. I think we destroyed the device completely. We are only here because of their mistake."

"But how can you be certain of this?"

"Because we're…alive." Teyla twisted to peer into Rodney's face. He wouldn't meet her gaze. "The transfer field is deadly. I mentioned that before. What I didn't think through before is that all four of them _had_ to have been exposed to the pulse before they were transferred. The portal was opened from here."

"All four were exposed?" Ronon asked this time. A cold feeling of dread sank into Teyla's chest.

"Yes. Jennifer said it, too. She didn't know how we could survive anything that did what it did to this universe's Sheppard. We didn't survive it, because we weren't exposed. They were. And I…think it did do that…to them."

"They're dead," Teyla gasped. "We're dead? The ones from this universe are all dead?"

Rodney's expression was a mask of horror. "So even if we make it home," he began, then scrubbed furiously at his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"They won't," she finished.

* * *

><p>Teyla lifted a shaking hand and then rang the chime to the guest suites. Jennifer rustled behind her, still acting uncomfortable in her presence, which saddened Teyla. She was a good friend, in both universes, but the doctor was obviously having trouble reconciling the strange circumstances. She had argued against Teyla visiting Torren, now that she considered her an imposter, but Teyla had insisted. She…needed to see the little boy that was still hers, and yet not hers.<p>

Alyssia answered, to Teyla's relief. The woman's expression was pleased, if a little guarded. They had told no one else of the true situation. Only Jennifer was aware. And she had only agreed to keep the secret with the hope that their own team would be home soon to tell the tale. Absent John, of course. That grief was still theirs to bear.

_And might be mine_, Teyla thought. It was why she needed to see…TJ.

"Teyla, are you feeling better?" Alyssia said, welcoming her in and touching her cheek to Teyla's.

"A little," Teyla answered truthfully. "Please forgive my outburst earlier. I have been very confused. Exhaustion, I fear, created an…imagined terror that I was unable to recognize from reality."

"Oh, I understand. Please come in. TJ took a long nap and just finished eating. He's playing on the floor."

Teyla followed Alyssia into the guest suite that was little more than a large room with a bed against one wall, and a chest of drawers against the other. A small round pedestal table was pushed into a corner, covered with remnants of baby finger food. Teyla looked around for Kanaan and Alyssia must have noticed.

"Kanaan is out. I think he went to talk with Major Lorne, offer his condolences and make an effort to form relationships with the likely next commander of Atlantis." Alyssa's tone was a mixture of pride and exasperation, but she was looking at Teyla with sympathy. "Why don't I gather up his things and let you have some time alone with your baby. Do you want us to stay in the city for a little while longer? In case there are things we can do to help while you prepare final arrangements for John? We could watch the baby if you need us to."

Teyla threw a terrified look at Jennifer. She'd only wanted to see the baby, not take him with her, but of course, that is what Alyssia would assume. Jennifer's look was calculating, and Teyla again felt her disapproval.

"I...would be very grateful if you stayed," she stammered at last. "In fact, I will be very busy for the rest of the day and it would give me great comfort to know...TJ is with friends that he knows."

"In that case, I'll just go for a walk. You can leave his things here. Take as long as you need."

Alyssia gave her one last brief hug, and left the room. Jennifer was sitting on the edge of the bed, making faces at the baby who had pulled himself standing by tugging on the comforter. Teyla found herself just staring. When the baby lost his balance and slid to the floor with a bump, she instinctively knelt and reached out to scoop him close before he could fuss at the surprise.

His eyes lit in delight and he gave a big, satisfied gurgle of baby joy when her arms found themselves around him. She fought down a fresh surge of tears. Though even his weight and the feel of his little shoulders was different, some deep maternal instinct seemed to be telling her that he was _hers_. She smelled the sweet baby scent of clean diapers and the Athosian soap she used to bathe him.

He wriggled, done with the cuddling and more interested in the small pile of bright toys that were scattered on the floor. She put him on his bottom and sat on the floor to watch him crawl a few feet away to bang a block against a plastic bucket.

"John calls him TJ," she whispered to herself, the tears growing almost impossible to restrain.

"You tried for months to get John to call him Torren, your preference. But he just kept right on calling him TJ. 'TJ – J is for John' he'd say if anyone tried to correct him. In the end, everyone calls him TJ. Even you. The other you," Jennifer trailed off uncertainly.

TJ was lighter and maybe longer than her Torren, Teyla thought after long moments of watching the baby play. And unlike Torren's thick, curly hair, TJ had stick-straight dark fuzz that stuck out away from his head like the fluff of a dandelion. Extremely curious, she turned her head this way and that, but aside from the fluffy unruliness, TJ showed no signs of John's cowlick or widow's peak. Perhaps this son had escaped that fate, at least.

TJ's face was more oval than Torren's. He had almond eyes with thick dark lashes and a fine, sharp nose. His skin had Teyla's golden hue, where Torren was more olive, like Kanaan. He was a beautiful baby, Teyla could easily admit. Despite their differences, if you put the boys together, she was certain they would look enough like brothers to recognize them as such. Half brothers. She shivered.

"How did we... When did John and...the other Teyla get together?" Teyla asked of Jennifer at last, her throat tight.

"You told me once that after the original Carson died in the explosion that you and John...helped each other through it. You realized that things would never be perfect and that you had to just seize the day, to use an Earth phrase. TJ was a big surprise for you both."

Teyla felt a thrill of memory. Only this morning she had been reminded of that moment on the infirmary balcony when she had come closest to asking for more than friendship from John. Could two such different paths really be forged from variations on a single moment? A sudden thought occurred to her.

"Did Michael kidnap me and try to take my baby in this universe?" Would TJ have been of the breeding he'd needed for his hybrid army? Jennifer wrapped her arms around herself and shuddered from the memory.

"Yes. He did that here, too. He believed that with your wraith mental abilities and John's ATA gene, the child would be able to manipulate not only hybrids, but command more Ancient technology than he ever could with genetic engineering."

Ah. So the path of a universe was harder to de-rail than one might think. Even as of yesterday, their paths had been so similar as to be at the outpost at the same time. Except...

A cold shiver ran down her spine and pure horror sucked the breath out of her lungs. For a moment she couldn't breathe. She reached for TJ and pulled him into her lap, rocking him against her and soothing his struggles to escape by bouncing him.

Except that yesterday they had all died. This child she held in her arms, who squirmed and wriggled to escape, believing his mother to be nearby, was, instead, an orphan. She pressed her cheek against his soft head and crooned to him, soothing her own sorrow. TJ relaxed at the sound of her voice and stuck his thumb in his mouth.

"Da da da da da," he cooed around the thumb, speaking the quiet baby talk of home and comfort.

Tears flowed freely and she heard Jennifer sniffling, too.

"He looks like John, you know," Jennifer said at last. "Everyone says so. Everyone loves him here, too. There haven't been many quiet days, but when there were, John would take him around with him. TJ'd show up in staff meetings and briefings. Once, I found him asleep on John's chest when John was lying on his back under a jumper panel, fixing something for Rodney."

Teyla sobbed, held him even tighter to her chest. Another memory flooded her, this one of John listening to her wrestle with the fear of being killed herself if she returned to John's team. "Your child has a family here in case anything ever happens", he'd said unable to meet her eyes as he said it. She'd known he meant himself. She'd been amazed at his capacity for protectiveness of someone else's son.

As she rocked and wept and held John's son, she began to wonder if maybe she shouldn't return the favor.


	4. Chapter 4

"You want to do what!" Rodney exclaimed, several hours later when the three of them were alone again in his lab. Jennifer had been called away by Woolsey and Lorne to discuss the details of John's memorial, scheduled for the next morning. Jennifer had gone with excuses for Teyla who otherwise, in this universe, would have been expected to attend.

"I want to take TJ back with us. When we return home."

Ronon's expression was blank, and Rodney kept staring at her.

"He belongs here," was Ronon's succinct rebuttal.

"He's an orphan, Ronon. His parents are dead. Both of them. I can't bring them back for him, but I can...give him myself. I can raise him as my own. He need never know his origins. Not until he's much older. Old enough to understand."

"What about Sheppard?" Rodney blurted.

"He need not know, either," Teyla snapped, as firmly as she'd ever spoken to the twitchy scientist. "The decisions of the people in this universe were not and are not his responsibility. I will simply tell John and Kanaan that this Torren comes from this universe and they need know more. They will assume Kanaan is the father. Kanaan will agree to accept him, I'm certain. It is Athosian custom to welcome orphans into a home where there are children of the same ages. It has always been a necessary obligation, living under the shadow of the Wraith as we do."

"Teyla, TJ is not your responsibility either. We talked about this on the Daedalus. You can't protect every Torren in every universe."

"No, I can't," Teyla answered, hearing her voice crack, "But I can protect this one. I would do no less for a child I found on another planet in my own universe."

"I believe you," Ronon answered, looking confused, as if he'd run out of arguments.

"The Teyla and John in this universe knew how dangerous their work is. They must have made arrangements for TJ. It's not like we found the kid abandoned on the doorstep..." Rodney was looking similarly alarmed, but it was Teyla's turn to squirm.

"I asked Jennifer. The John and Teyla of this universe had decided that TJ would live among the Athosians, with Kanaan and Alyssia, until he reaches ten years old, and then he would travel to earth to finish an education and choose his path. Jennifer will be his legal guardian...since the Rodney of this universe is also..." she trailed off, the magnitude of the loss incomprehensible.

"Kanaan and Alyssia?" Ronon asked. Teyla answered with a sharp jerk of her chin. "That's weird." He shook his head. Weird didn't begin to explain her confusion about the strange triangle she found herself in between John and Kanaan in this place. It only made her more desperate to leave.

"Really weird is being dead," Rodney groused, latching on to his own source of unease. He looked at Ronon. Ronon shrugged.

"I still think he belongs here," Ronon said finally. "But he's not my kid. When can we go?" Ronon tabled the discussion with the question.

"Well, I'm ready," Rodney answered, also looking relieved to change the subject. "The question is whether they will let us, whether we'll find the outpost equipment in working order when we get there, how long it will take me to reprogram the pulse so it won't kill us, too..." He made a face then shrugged.

"Should we not just tell Mr. Woolsey the situation, ask for his blessing?" Teyla asked.

"I don't know about the Woolsey in this universe, but if it were up to our Woolsey, we'd be here for two months waiting for him to figure out the proper paperwork to file that would describe all this. We're not exactly on the clock, but the longer we stay, the more we adjust to this universe and the harder it is to return."

"So what, then? We sneak off?" Ronon looked skeptical of his own suggestion.

"Again, that would be difficult. We're pretty strict about monitoring gate travel around here. I'll make an excuse to go back to the outpost, make a preliminary evaluation for how long it will take us to make the preparations. If we're good to go, I'll send word that I need you to join me for...help. We can come up with some reason why it has to be you. If I need more time, I'll just come back."

"Agreed," Teyla said and pushed away from the table. _And I'll figure out how to get TJ ready to go with me_. But she didn't say it out loud.

* * *

><p>The sun had already set, and Atlantis had settled into a second night of gloom when Ronon's knock finally came at the door. Teyla had sat for hours in her apartment as the light dimmed, then faded altogether. She was in her uniform, her vest lay across the end of her couches.<p>

"Rodney's ready," Ronon whispered, though there was no reason for silence. The halls outside her door were empty. "We can go tonight."

Teyla just nodded, feeling a thrill. She grabbed her vest by the loop on the neck and followed Ronon through the empty city.

"Rodney told Woolsey and the control room that we were suffering from mild radiation poisoning and that the only way to neutralize it was to return to the source and use the same equipment to cure us. Jennifer backed him up."

"It is an oddly truthful excuse. Our bodies are out of sync here. We do need to return to resolve it."

"Rodney said something about the best lies are the most true." He grinned. "Radek didn't buy it for a minute."

Teyla stopped walking. "He didn't?"

"No. Rodney had to tell him everything. But he believed the evidence. Like Jennifer. He's at the outpost with Rodney, helping him finish the programming. He'll be able to explain after we go." They walked a few steps in silence. "I think Radek figured out the other part, too."

Teyla's eyes stung. "I can't bear the thought of what they have to face," she whispered. "Jennifer especially. She's been so kind."

Ronon grabbed her hand.

By the time they reached the transporter, Teyla had regained her composure. Ronon swiped the bar to open the doors. Teyla pulled away. Lifted her chin. She'd been preparing for this moment for the past hour.

"I will meet you on the platform," was all she said.

Ronon's eyes went wide, then calculating, then just almost annoyed. At last he blew out a breath. "Right." And then he was gone.

Teyla jogged down more halls and stairs and finally stood before the guest quarters. She set aside her vest, slipped out of her jacket, hoping she looked like she was simply dressed casually for the evening, and then swiped the chime.

Again, it was Alyssa who greeted her at the door. Teyla stepped inside quickly, speaking the lines she had also prepared.

"I am so grateful for all your help, but was hoping to see TJ..."

Her voice trailed off as she found herself in the room not only with TJ and Alyssa, but also Kanaan and Jennifer. TJ was standing on Jennifer's lap reaching for her face with chubby hands. The young doctor blew noisy raspberries against his palms and he gurgled googly baby guffaws until she pushed him away. He immediately raised his hands and reached for her again. When she caught sight of Teyla, she looked puzzled and a little startled.

"I thought you were going to the planet with Ronon, Teyla," she prompted, sounding like she was also speaking rehearsed lines. "To fix your...problem."

Teyla froze, unprepared. Alyssia gave her a few moments to regroup by grabbing for her hand.

"I can't believe that with everything else, you have to deal with being sick as well," her cousin exclaimed. "When Jennifer told us that you also have to go offworld again. It just didn't seem fair."

"Not fair," Teyla repeated. "I...wanted to say goodnight," she finally managed. "He will be asleep by the time I return."

Jennifer gave TJ one more raspberry and held him close to her chest. Before she stood up and held him out for her to take, she kissed him on the cheek and Teyla saw her eyes sparkling with tears. "I'm glad you came to say goodbye," she said softly, and Teyla knew she meant in the forever sense. "He...he will be loved in your absence," her eyes spoke a promise that she couldn't say out loud.

Jennifer stroked TJ's cheek, then took a shuddering breath. "I must get some rest before tomorrow," she said, indeed looking exhausted. Teyla held TJ tightly as Jennifer threw one last, adoring look at the baby, then slipped from the room.

Teyla was certain, in that moment, that Jennifer had also figured out "the other part". She knew that her Teyla wasn't returning. She was promising to fulfill her role as TJ's guardian. Kanaan had remained quietly sitting in the corner until Jennifer left, and now he approached her, too.

"I haven't had a chance to say I'm sorry for your loss, Teyla," he said in his quietest voice. "You know you and TJ can ask anything of us, anytime. We'll stay as long as you need, keep TJ as long as you need to adjust."

Teyla nodded, holding TJ fiercely against her chest. The little boy was sucking his thumb, and he relaxed against her as she unconsciously swayed from foot to foot. His eyes drooped.

Alyssia grinned, patted him on the back. "He's almost out. I always said no one could get him to sleep faster than you. Except maybe John," she said softly.

"That was just because John had the habit of wearing him ragged before bedtime," Kanaan chuckled, then his smile grew wistful.

Teyla closed her eyes, feeling the warm weight of the sleepy baby against her chest. Her mind became suddenly clear. She would tell Kanaan and Alyssia that she would re-schedule the trip through the gate and that she wanted to take TJ back to her own rooms with her for the night. They would understand. They would let her take him and wouldn't go looking for him until morning. Jennifer would get the note she'd left in the computer. She would understand. Wouldn't she?

And then TJ would be with her. He would have his mother as every child should. He would have one man in his life who would raise him as a son, and another who would someday become the uncle who understood him better than anyone else. It was what was right for TJ. Wasn't it?

Of course. She'd already decided.

She opened her eyes and put on a broad smile that wasn't difficult to make seem weary, preparing her lines for the lie...

* * *

><p>The path to the Ancient Outpost was gloomy but not dark. A mid-afternoon sun was sinking behind trees and a westerly range of mountains, so Teyla and Ronon trudged along in shadows that made the air feel cooler than it was. It felt like turning back the clock, moving from night to day in a single step. The outpost was almost a mile from the gate and overgrown with forest. Too close to jumper in, but an annoying walk.<p>

Teyla felt her heart race with memory as they finally reached the crumbled courtyard walls that surrounded the outpost. Her memories of the last time she had been here were filled with shock and horror and the frantic effort to revive John from a death no one could save him from.

She carefully kept her eyes on the door ahead of her and passed by the spot where he'd lain without looking. They found Rodney and Radek huddled together over a laptop screen. The lab around them was blackened and pocked. The roof over most of the room had collapsed and bird song drifted through the gaping hole that opened to forest views.

Rodney glanced up, raised an eyebrow at Ronon and scuttled over to speak so that Radek wouldn't hear.

"No TJ?" he hissed. "We're not taking the baby?"

Teyla lifted her chin. "No. I...couldn't take him from these people. They need him, here. Ronon was right," her throat tightened, her voice went raspy with suppressed emotion. "He belongs here," she finished.

Rodney's look was calculating but kind. He nodded, patted her arm awkwardly, then gestured her over to where Radek still poked at the laptop. "Come look at this."

He shooed Radek aside to point at an exposed panel that they had wired the computer into. "This unit is the emitter for the quantam pulse that killed Sheppard and swapped the rest of us. We took out the power," he pointed to the side of the room that was unrecognizable from its original state, "and all the control panels, but we missed the emitter. It had built up enough of a charge so that even as the rest was exploding, the emitter went ahead and did its thing."

"That tiny thing caused all this trouble?" Ronon growled as if annoyed something so seemingly fragile could be at fault.

"Well, the entire device is about the size of a school bus. It's housed under our feet. But this access panel houses the onboard programming that tells it what to do. If we had destroyed that, the thing would never have discharged. We missed it."

Teyla suddenly cocked her head. "I didn't!" she exclaimed, suddenly. "I put a C4 charge on that panel. I'm certain. I remember you telling us to blow up everything that blinked. This panel is low, but I saw it blinking from across the room when we were setting charges."

Rodney was nodding. "That probably saved our lives in the other universe. Somehow the team from this universe missed it." He threw a nervous look at Radek, who seemed to be burying himself in the screen to keep from flinching at the conversation.

"Such a small difference," Ronon rumbled. He slapped Radek's back, offering comfort though the man wasn't asking for it. "Such a tiny thing."

Teyla shivered. She'd felt the same thing as Jennifer described her John and Teyla's courtship. A few words left unspoken in one reality were said in another. The single moment had separated TJ from Torren. A glob of C4 placed a few feet from each other led to survival in one, death and sorrow in the other. Was the universe truly so random? She would have expected the birth of a wholly different person to be a far more significant than the random placement of explosives during an emergency. And yet, both teams had found themselves in this same place at the same time, as if their realities were still identical, two years after the paths separated.

Something tickled at her memory. She couldn't quite pin it down, so she watched Radek and Rodney finish their work. The feeling lingered, even when Radek finally stood, faced Rodney and wrung his hands together as if finding his next words difficult to say.

"I must leave to minimize the risk that I might be transported along with you. This device is much less precise than the version from the Lost Daedalus we have been researching. I will return in a few hours."

"Thank you, Radek," Rodney whispered. Radek suddenly threw his arms around Rodney in a desperate embrace. Rodney finally squeaked in protest and Radek let go, looking unapologetic.

"Send our team home, if you can," he whispered.

"Of course. We'll do everything we can to do that," Rodney promised.

Radek embraced Teyla and swayed when Ronon thumped him on the shoulder in farewell.

"Give me twenty minutes to reach stargate. I will, as they say, 'cover for you'."

And then he was gone.

No one spoke. Rodney finally returned to the screen, poking buttons idly. Ronon flopped onto the ground and bowed his head, waiting. Teyla shivered, certain she had never been so confused or scared or lonely or sad in her life. Her thoughts returned over and over to TJ. She was about to race down the path to get him, yet again changing her mind, when Rodney finally clapped his hands together and said, "It's time."

Rodney set the timer on the laptop, and they returned to the spot where they had been transported the last time. Rodney had explained why. Teyla didn't remember or care.

"Thirty seconds," Rodney announced, looking nervous.

"You're sure this pulse thing won't kill us this time?" Ronon growled, looking fierce.

"Of course I'm sure. Reasonably sure, that is. We did have to reprogram the emitter by hand and I was working from the schematics on the Lost Daedalus by memory, but -."

"Never mind," Ronon sighed. He plopped into his spot and lay down on his back, lacing his hands behind his head as he stretched out.

"What are you doing?" Rodney demanded.

"If that thing kills me, I want to go out comfortable," Ronon replied and closed his eyes.

"Oh. Good idea."

Rodney also lay down, but immediately began to fidget and mutter about rocks and something called "chiggers".

Teyla watched her friends grouse and pester each other and was suddenly filled with love for both of them. They had faced so much together in their years as a team. She was glad, as uncomfortable and uncertain as she was, she was glad she had faced this with them. She too sat down and crossed her legs as she did when meditating. She took Rodney's hand and was surprised when returned the grip tightly.

"Any second," he breathed.

And the white light took them.


	5. Chapter 5

Teyla blinked, her vision whited out by blue spots against the swirling grey and green background. The first thing she heard was swearing. Happy, boisterous, Czechoslovakian swearing.

Beside her, Rodney leaped to his feet, inadvertently yanking on her hand as he did so. She scrambled to her own feet, finally able to see past the spots. Radek was rushing towards them, arms outstretched and still babbling in Czech. The courtyard that had been so empty in the universe they just left felt almost crowded.

A row of portable tables and laptops was assembled along one side of the courtyard. The outpost behind them was in much worse shape. The door they had just emerged from in the other reality, here, was completely collapsed. Teyla caught sight of an engineer wearing a hard had still tossing rubble aside, as if continuing excavation begun long ago.

Radek threw himself on Rodney, who accepted the embrace briefly before brushing him off, looking disturbed but happy.

"You return from parallel universe, yes?" Radek shouted. "I knew was right! Once I determined the similarities, though very different in some interesting ways, of the residual radiation to –."

"To the Lost Daedalus. Yes, Radek. We're the ones who just got ourselves home, remember? I think I have a pretty good understanding of what just happened."

"We are just pleased you've come home alive!" Radek thumped Rodney's back again and to everyone's shock, the tiny scientist threw his arms around Ronon for another heartfelt squeeze. "We feared the worst. We had little reason to hope that, even if we could somehow reverse the process that swapped you and your doubles, you weren't also dead."

"Also..." Teyla breathed. She looked around frantically for John, fear squeezing her chest.

"John!" she called, not seeing him among the small team of scientists and engineers that had begun to gather around. She shoved someone aside and crossed the courtyard to peer into the destroyed building. Again she called his name.

Feeling panicky, she spun and went the other way, intending to walk all the way back to Atlantis to find him. Somehow, just asking Radek had seemed too...risky. She passed through the walls that surrounded the courtyard, heart pounding inside her ribs. A lone, figure, sitting dejectedly on a stump beside the path several yards away finally caught her attention.

A soldier, presumably on security detail just outside the outpost was rushing to the figure who jerked his head up and looked sharply in her direction at the guard's message.

It was John. A haggard, rumpled, unshaven and very pale, but very much alive John.

John flung himself off the stump and jogged towards the outpost, gripping his P-90 in one hand as if he couldn't let it go if he wanted to.

"Sheppard!" called a triumphant bellow behind her. The shout was followed by a brush of air as Ronon strolled past, his long legs outpacing the scurrying Rodney who was, nonetheless, close behind.

John looked a little taken aback when Ronon engulfed him in a bear hug that would have crushed a wraith. He managed a grin, however, when Rodney shoved Ronon aside and shook his hand with manic enthusiasm. Teyla felt a golden beam of happiness warm her from the inside out.

John was alive. For the first time in two days the universe finally felt...right. Almost. A shiver of melancholy remained. That tickling something she couldn't put her finger on lay just beyond reach.

Rodney was talking very fast, explaining everything to John who, despite repeated eyerolls and chuffs of annoyance, was absorbing everything being said.

"Parallel Universe, huh?" he said at last, when Rodney had paused long enough to take a breath. "So...you guys are the, the _real_ Ronon, Teyla, and McKay, right?"

"We're the ones that belong here, at least," Rodney answered, happily.

John nodded and Teyla saw a shadow flicker over John's face. "And the...the other ones? The ones that were...here for a while?"

She gasped, for the first time realizing what it must have been like for _him_ these past two days. She was flooded with the memory of lifting her head after the blast and seeing John lying sprawled and motionless on the ground. John had lifted his head to not one, but three dead friends, the sole survivor. She looked closer at his face and saw a haunted fury in his eyes; an echo of grief that was fading, but not yet conquered.

She stepped close to clutch at his arm, offering sympathy and understanding. To her surprise, he leaned closer, put his hand on her shoulder and held on tight, as if he needed her strength to steady him.

Rodney coughed, ducked his head. "Radek and I speculate that they were returned to their own universe by the same mechanism that sucked us there in the first place. Since you hadn't moved the...bodies."

John's hand gripped Teyla's shoulder tighter. She wrapped her arm around his waist. He felt warm and solid and very, very real. She had a sudden memory of opening a drawer with cologne that she didn't recognize. The lingering traces of the same scent now drifted to her from John.

"Radek was concerned about moving evidence and residual something or other," John stated, softly.

"Clearly if I had been here, you would have figured things out a lot faster, but since it worked out in the end, I suppose he did OK."

"Clearly," John scoffed. "Can we get the hell out of here, now?"

There was desperateness to the question that even Rodney must have picked up on.

"Of course. I'll just check on a couple of things to make sure Radek doesn't screw up the packing and we can be on our way."

"Good," John whispered, scrubbing his face with the hand that wasn't clinging to Teyla.

There was an awkward silence as Ronon stared at her and John through narrowed eyes. Teyla felt herself blush deeply under the scrutiny and was about to make a sharp comment when Ronon abruptly turned on his heel and left, leaving her alone, for the moment with John.

John watched Ronon go, but she could tell that his gaze was turned inward.

"I should go help," he said at last, sounding as distant as his thoughts. Before he let her go, though, he pulled her very close and briefly dropped his cheek onto her head. She felt his shoulders shudder and his breath hitched very, very softly against her ear.

He released her just as gently and walked away without any more words.

"John!" she called after him, taking a step to follow.

"Yeah?" he turned back and his smile was warm and full of such desperate relief that she almost spoke the words she'd said on the balcony two years ago. Her body was tingling with the memory of his touch and his scent. A smiling little boy with fuzzy black hair kept appearing in her mind's eye.

A little boy who was now orphaned.

The flash of insight hit her like a blow. She gasped and clutched at her stomach. John lurched forward to grab her shoulders, his face all concern and exhausted worry.

He'd sent her away, she realized. With a clarity as sharp as broken glass, Teyla knew what had killed the team from the other universe. She'd had the vision of it in her tortured sleep. John had sent her away from the outpost when they were setting charges. The vital brick of C4 was missed. _Teyla_ had put the charge on the panel that saved them in this universe. She hadn't been there in the other one.

And the reason she hadn't been there was because John had been protecting her. He thought he'd been protecting their son. And in doing so, he'd killed them all and left his son behind.

The injustice of it brought another gasp of anguish.

"Corpsman!" John bellowed, crossing from worry into panic. A Marine medic jogged out of the outpost. Teyla held onto John's arms, took a calming breath.

"I'm fine," she said. "I'm fine."

"Hell you are," John growled, but he looked a little reassured. Teyla meekly allowed herself to be turned over into the medic's care, but her eyes were on John who threw his shoulders back and returned to the outpost after one last calculating glance her way.

She shivered and the medic threw a blanket over her shoulders, muttering encouragement and reassurance.

There had been times she believed the universe to be a cruel and unforgiving place. Never had she believed that more than now. Any place that would reward the love two people had for each other with such sorrow was no place that she belonged.

John passed by a few minutes later. His expression was braver, his posture bolder than before. "Feel better?" he asked, kneeling in front of where she sat on an old, rotted log.

"Much better," she lied.

"Good," he said, and the lie was worth it to see the relief in his eyes. He stood. "Good. Let's go home."

Home was Atlantis. In this place, home was Kanaan and Torren.

But the thing she'd discovered in the past two days was the thing she could never acknowledge without a lingering ache. She hadn't realized it until it was gone, lost forever. Atlantis had performed one more miracle and brought it back to her, but the universe had also shown her its cruel price.

Home was John Sheppard, in _any_ place, galaxy or reality. To keep it meant to keep it secret or risk losing it.

It was a hard price the universe asked.

But she was willing to pay.

* * *

><p>Epilogue:<p>

Jennifer wrapped her sweater more tightly about her on the breezy airstrip. She didn't know enough to worry about the wind that she'd describe as "gusty" if she were at home on her porch. She didn't know if it was safe or dangerous or even a factor in the aerial display that she was currently watching. Since she didn't know, she tried not to think about it.

An invisible F312 buzzed the crowd that clustered around her, its engine so silent that only the shock of the compressed air blast that pressed them into the tarmac gave its presence away. The crowd gasped, then giggled, then cheered at the effect.

"As you can see, the F312 offers not only the most advanced air and space tactical advantage, it also incorporates the highest level of stealth performance. This is the first Tauri-designed fighter to incorporate Atlantis jumper stealth technology since the SGC began reproducing the technology on the B307s."

Jennifer tuned out the voice that continued to blare through the loudspeakers. She was peering into an overcast sky, watching for her next glimpse of the 312. Even after three years of attending these events, she couldn't shake the jitters. She would just be glad when it was over.

The loudspeakers finally announced the end of the demonstration and Jennifer was just about to relax when a cluster of pilots behind her began to talk among themselves.

"Think he'll really do it?" One of them asked another. Jennifer perked up, turned so she could hear without them knowing.

"He'd better. I've got twenty in the pot that says he will."

"Lancaster said he couldn't pull it off. Not without more time on the stick. Written specs are one thing. Executing the propaganda, that's another."

"If anyone can, he can," insisted the first voice.

Jennifer clenched her fists and swiveled her head, searching for the experimental craft, her heart thumping.

"Lt. Emmagan will now execute a carrier landing, without the use of catch cables. The 312 has the most advanced inertial dampener system available in any fighter on our fleet, allowing it to make impressive hairpin turns, in air and space, as well as nearly vertical landings. Here he comes folks. Be sure to stick around and thank this excellent young pilot for his performance this afternoon."

Jennifer whipped her head around and finally spotted the SGC's newest fighter racing towards the landing strip they stood next to, hardly a few feet off the ground, or so it seemed to her.

"He's coming in pretty fast folks. Maybe the Lieutenant has forgotten that the demonstration is over." The voice on the speaker sounded nervous, like he hadn't expected to be doing any adlibbing.

"Holy crap, he's going for it!" the voice behind her hissed.

Jennifer put her hand over her mouth.

The F312, a sleek variation of the original 302 pelted down the runway, no landing gear in sight. At exactly the point where the craft was in full, perfect view of the audience, it pulled the fastest, tightest, most terrifying turnout Jennifer had ever seen. In a heartbeat, a blink of an eye, it was skimming just as low and just as fast in exactly the opposite direction...upside down. It was like watching the ball at the end of a rubber band just when it had stretched too far and was suddenly snapped back the way it had come.

Whoops and screams of triumph exploded from the pilots behind her. The crowd applauded wildly and the voice on the loudspeaker was talking so fast about the remarkable abilities of the fantastic 312 that the words ran together in a meaningless jumble.

Jennifer just groaned and shook her head, trying to control the shaking of her hands.

Half an hour later, she walked slowly towards the gleaming craft and the now small cluster of people that were standing just under a gunmetal black wing. Dave hovered a few yards behind, maintaining his usual respectful distance. She waited until the 4 Star General had finished shaking hands with the pilot before she waved and grinned.

The Lieutenant jogged over as soon as he spotted her.

"You scared the pants off of me, TJ," she scolded after the handsome young pilot had given her a big, ferocious hug."

"What? That little stunt? You should see what I can get out of her in space!"

She pushed him away to see his face. He was all grins and fairly vibrated with pride and that pent-up energy he'd radiated since he was a small boy. Even fast planes and faster spaceships hadn't entirely taken the edge off.

At 25 years old, he'd reached the height of his father, but he had his mother's graceful motions. He had fine black hair that he kept regulation short in the back, but somehow managed to grow just long enough to cover his forehead in wispy strands that begged for pushing aside. His light brown skin gave him the look of a perfect, golden tan, and his expressive hazel eyes were rimmed with thick, dark lashes.

"It's good to see you, TJ," she whispered reaching for his hand that he gave her unapologetically, though he rolled his eyes at his name.

"I go by John, Aunt Jennifer. You know that."

"TJ – J is for John," she teased back, not giving in an inch. TJ slumped in mock defeat, then gave her another squeeze before he loped over to shake hands with his Uncle Dave. Despite his antics, he was much more formal and polite with Dave than around her, which she supposed was a good thing. John's brother had been reluctant to get involved in TJ's life at first. Until the boy, no older than five at the time, had charmed his way into his uncle's heart.

Dave hadn't missed a demonstration that TJ was flying since he'd been accepted into the Academy. Jennifer had always wondered if Dave was, in some way, making up for missing that part of John's life.

The men shook hands, TJ slapped his uncle's back, and then returned to walk with her back to the base where she would stay the night and then return to her quiet private practice in the morning.

He looped his arm through hers.

"Did you hear, Aunt Jennifer?" He said at last, breathless with excitement. She grinned. She'd been waiting for him to say something. "I've been assigned to the _Sheppard_." His voice was proud and scared and sad all at the same time.

"I heard," she replied, bumping his shoulder. "And I'm not surprised."

"I am!" he exclaimed. "I'm gonna catch hell for 'embellishing' the program this afternoon. I've been threatened so many times with disciplinary action, I can't count how many times I've squeaked out of trouble."

"But you always have. Your father would be very proud, TJ. You should be very proud."

TJ was quiet for a long time. Jennifer let him keep his thoughts to himself. He was a grown man. He no longer needed a guardian. But she was glad he still let her be his friend.

"We're going to Pegasus," he said, throwing her a nervous look. "Don't tell anyone, it's a secret mission, but we're going. The_ Sheppard_ will leave Earth in three months and spend six in Pegasus doing recon to figure out how bad it's gotten in the past twenty years."

Jennifer sucked in a fast breath, stopped walking to stare at him. He gave her a calculated look, all humor wiped from his face. He suddenly looked more like John in that moment than Jennifer had ever seen him look. "You should come, Aunt Jennifer. They need a doctor and you've...been there."

"I'm too old, TJ -," she began, but he jerked his head, cutting her off.

"I'm not kidding. I mean it. Think about it. I want you to go with me. So you can tell me about Pegasus. We're going to look for New Athos." He looked like he wanted to say more, but he stopped himself, another habit that reminded her of his father.

"I'm sorry you got to spend so little time with your mother's people," she whispered. "Your parents wanted you to stay with them until you were ten, but when Atlantis had to leave the Pegasus galaxy when you were only a year old...I had to make a choice. I wanted you to be safe. Your Athosian guardians agreed. I'm happy you're going to get a chance to go."

"Think about it," he pressed.

"I will," she promised and was surprised by a sudden excitement at the thought. "I will," she repeated.

"Good."

TJ began to swing her hand and dance as he walked, almost like when he'd been a little boy.

"I'll find them," he promised, and Jennifer knew it was a promise he was making to himself. "I'll find my mother's people. And I'll make Pegasus a safe place again for them. So someday, my kids can meet their relatives without fear."

A sting of tears wet Jennifer's eyes. He was so young and optimistic. He'd been raised and cherished in the safest home she could give him. She'd suffered too many losses, his parents just for one, to share his hope. But she desperately wanted him to keep his for as long as he could.

"If anyone can do that, kiddo, you can," she told him.

And she just almost believed it. His parents would have.

_A/N: To you brave souls who took a risk, I thank you for reading! I promise to return to my regularly scheduled whump and action/adventure. Thank you for letting me dabble in something a little different for a bit._


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